How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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