I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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