Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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