As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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