I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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