Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
