Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
