she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
