I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
