She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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