with your own penis?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
