I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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