I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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