Someone shit on the floor
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
