watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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