standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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