**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
