You made me cry and you don't even care
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Shame - the story of my life.
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