i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
