i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
