if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
