If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
