i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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