Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
