EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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