remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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