nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
