he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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