You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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