I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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