Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
