drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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