He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
