Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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