I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
