Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
