If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
