only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
