I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
