I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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