I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
