we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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