I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
