i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
