There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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