Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
