atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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