I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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