I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
