My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
