Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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