I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
