you traded sex for a burrito?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
