I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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