dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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